You don't give your heart in pieces

I wanted to call today to tell you about this new guy I've been dating.  I wanted to ask you about your trip. I wanted to hear what you were going to do, and tell you about the car Kody rented. I wanted to let you know what I was doing, where I was, and what I was looking for. I wanted to talk to you.

I wanted to tell you that I had been looking through some photos, and that you looked so young and alive. You looked happy, and you held me in your arms and put my face right up to yours.  I thought it was funny to see myself in matching outfits, at so many different events.  I was so cultured and traveled.  I wanted to know if you thought I'd be fat, because my cheeks were so round.  Or if my hair was ever ridiculous, because it just looked so big and curly.  I wanted to ask if you took some of the photos of me, because you weren't in all of them. I wanted to know if you were holding the camera. I wanted to talk to you.

I wanted to tell you about the guy I'm dating. I wanted you to ask about what happened, and if I'm ready to start seeing someone new.  I wanted to feel that you cared, that you were curious who I spent my nights with, how late do I stay out, where does he take me, did I meet him on an app.  I wanted you to ask me about online dating apps, and if I let strangers take me out.  I just wanted to hear some advice. I want to hear you get angry and hurt for me, I want to know what it feels like to hear you get angry at someone.  I want to hear you go off about how not all men are untrustworthy.  I want you to go off on me for not leaving sooner, I want to be upset that you're looking out for me.  I wanted to hear from you, I want your support.  I wanted to tell you how I felt, I wanted to talk to you.

I wanted to tell you how we were in the same Bible study last year, and how he heard me spill my guts so honestly and openly.  That when it came time for prayer requests, and I was surrounded by strangers I asked with abandon.  I shared where my heart was, and what I was doing, and asked for support.  I wanted to tell you how I didn't know them, but recklessly asked knowing that someone might pray for me and that God meets the broken so surely someone must help me.  I wanted to tell you that the only prayer requests were for friends who had problems, or for someone else, that no one shared about themselves, and so I felt insecure. I felt that these people would never open up, I had to find a new small group. I came one more time, and that was it. But it was just long enough for someone to like me, and to see that I was real and genuine and truly passionate about becoming a better human.  And I know that, because he told me. I wanted to talk to you.

I'm taking yoga now, and sometimes I go to the arboretum afterwards to draw flowers in my sketchbook.  I take one of those soccer chairs we took to Kodys games.  You'd tell me that works, and maybe you'd tell me about the games or something that you're doing in your garden.  You'd tell me what is new, and what you've planted and what got taken away.  Maybe there are some new doves that are nesting in that old planter we just can't throw away because thats where the doves always nest.  Maybe they're there, maybe you're still shooting predators away from the nest with a BB gun.  You could ask me about the flowers that are at the arboretum, or if i'm still trying to grow things on my patio, I am. I think I killed some rosemary, and the aloe vera isn't looking well. But the flowers are doing great, they're growing as high as that kale you planted.  I wonder if you knew it would grow those little flower trees, or if that was a surprise to you.  I wanted to talk to you.

I want to tell you about this school year, about the things going on on campus.  How my friends are going to be teachers at my school, isn't that awesome?  I want to ask you about your mom, if you remember things from when she was a teacher.  You could tell me a story about it, I'd take anything.  Maybe she wanted someone else in her family to be a teacher, a grandaughter in education. Like cousin Jessica, maybe I could be a principal, was she proud of her? I remember seeing her graduation, was your mom there? Did she save the news clippings?  Do you still have my news clippings? Do you want to know what my classroom theme is, i'd tell you, you'd love it. It's GROW. I wanted to do a plant theme, to grow means to learn and to grow means you adapt.  And I guess I can learn not to talk to you, and I can find someone else to share this with.  But I wish that I could share it with you, and I wish that you wanted to talk to me too.

Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow

I send out a lot of job applications for positions within my career. For positions outside of my skill level, and qualifications. For positions underneath my education level. For any position that will move me further away from my current occupation and closer to my dream job.

There is nothing wrong with being a server in the restaurant industry.
I work with many people who have been in the industry for over 10, 15 and even 20 years.  They are very dedicated and proud of what they do, and aim to be the best at their practice.  They  take what they do seriously, and they are proud and unashamed of their job.  They are very talented, and I try to glean as much as I can from them.

I've been in this industry for three years. How I was able to begin working at a exclusive, expensive, fine dining steak house, is unknown to me. Because I'm really not that talented at serving tables, I make mistakes, I've spilled bottles of wine that compete with my rent price, and I get tired and completely exhausted half way through the night.

In general, the more someone pays for something the more they expect it to be perfect. So when they come to see us, they expect perfection. Which can be pretty stressful if you let it get to you.

Most of the time my job leaves me exhausted. Mentally, and physically. It's not strenuous physical labor, but it is constant movement.

In the mornings I apply for jobs, in the evening I go into work. I forget how many applications a week I send out, until I get the rejection letters back. Then I become impressed with just how many applications I sent! And slightly defeated by reading the various 'thank you for your application' 'we have decided to go with another applicant'  'there was a surprising amount of qualified individuals applying for'... the list goes on.

The day before Thanksgiving I received an email from a University that I really wanted to work at. I saw it pop up on my phone, and I thought why would they want to send me bad news the day before Thanksgiving? This is the worst. Then I read the email. I'd made it on to the next round of application, they liked me. So now I am finalizing my application, gathering documents, asking for references.
I have been elated.

This week I have my Texas State teachers exam, its required to teach high school here in Texas. I had so many 'no thank yous' from job applications, I thought maybe I was looking in the wrong direction. Maybe this isn't the door God wants me to open. So I've been looking into applying at the High School that I volunteer with for Young Life. And, it could still be the place where God wants me to serve. There were no other doors opening, so I decided if that is his will for me I will do it. I am not as passionate about teaching high school, I would much rather teach college. But I am not in the mood to ignore Gods plan or agenda for me, I have done that, I have been there, and my plans never work out. Sometimes they feel like they are working out, but they go down in flames eventually.

When I got word that I had made it on to the next round of candidacy for the position at the University I felt like Abraham getting ready to sacrifice his son Issac, and then God sent out a goat instead. I just thought, God knows the desire of my heart.
And even if this is not the direction of my life, I know that God is working things out in the mess of my life and preparing my heart for joyful service for him. Because I have not been offered a job yet, they still have time to say no thank you, there are other applicants, try again later.

I'm just so happy to be in this position.
and if not, my soul will praise God.

Like a ship tossed on the waves

I am afraid.  I am anxious.  I have an over active imagination that likes to show me the negatives, as well as the unlikely probabilities.  The car crashes that could have happened, the bad conversations I've had and my social faux pas, and then the rabbit hole of internet searching for apartments when I get the dream job I'm under qualified for that I just applied for.  I know for some people my rabbit hole of internet searching, is their pinterest wedding plans they've made while they stay single. So I know we all have our own rabbit holes.

My life right now has been contingent on my happiness, and my normalcy. My comfort levels bobbing on the surface of my spot in the ocean.  Never sinking too far down, never really sailing anywhere, just bobbing around.

I've been bobbing.  I have the same routine, I had the same relationships, I did the same things. Nothing too much was expected of me, and nothing has really been required of me outside of my normal.

And I have been trapped in the realm of normalcy.  It is the easiest place to get trapped.  Keeping up with the styles, doing the popular netflix instagram work out, practicing my social skills.  It's easy to master, and it requires very little practice, and above all else it is safe.  Tried and true.

As a Christian I have been trying to make this bobbing along thing work with my relationship with God.  Make it to bible study, make it to church, make it to serving.  I say make it, because most of the time I was running late.  On the service level I looked like I was bobbing along just fine.  And I think that's the problem.  I pushed away problems and issues, I pushed away areas that needed work.  I knew there were changes that I had to make, but I kept pushing them away.  I told myself I would deal with them later.  So I never had to do anything but float along, and worry about issues next week.

As Christians we are called to have life, and to have life to the fullest.  To live for a God who wants to see his Children thriving.  My unrest, my unhappiness, it came from normalcy.  It came from being mediocre. It came from being disengaged.

In actively listening to my duty as a Christian, I've been dealing my issues. Bringing things to light, figuring out plans of action.  I'm starting to swim again, starting to face some big waves.  This last weekend, I face some big waves. When issues started to swell, I felt like I was going to drown.  I knew I had my path to comfort right next to Gods path for growth and purpose. I chose God's path and I can tell you there was an immediate sense that a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders.  Even breathing became easier.  I can still see areas of my heart that need conviction and growth, and areas where things need to be worked on.  But I am out of the comfort zone, and i'm ready to be willing to jump back onto riding waves and enjoying the ocean instead of bobbing around aimlessly.

I know that God offers the best adventures, and that he has never disappointed me or let me down. He provides hand over fist, and I know that exciting things are yet to come.

So now I'm trying to seek more of his adventure, and trying to keep a humble heart that seeks to be used for his purposes.  Which might mean becoming uncomfortable. It might mean I can't bob around.  But I am excited for the opportunity to be used in Gods plan.

Community College

The last real time that I was in community college I was a student.  I am a teacher now. A professor.  Today I was teaching a general art class called art appreciation.  It is a survey of art, studio practices as well as a brief history survey of famous art movements. 
     When I was younger I thought it would be so exciting to teach art, to know about the history of famous pieces of art. And now I finally know about them, I know about art and that thought really excites me.
     Every now and then I become down trodden about life, will I be able to teach enough classes to make a full income, will I have to keep picking up shifts at the restaurant to make ends meet, what am I doing with my life.  But then there are times like today, where I was lecturing on an art movement, and had my notes but then was able to recall from wisdom other facets and ideas about the movement. It was an incredible moment and I let out the biggest smile. My students might assume I know about art, and I know that I know about art. But it is such a feeling to know that you can recall things from memory and not just reading them from a list of facts. 
     It felt like I actually knew what I was doing today, I think I can allow myself to feel successful in that since I am so early in my career. But it felt like I wasn't faking it anymore, and I've clung to the mantra 'fake it till you make it'. It felt so good.  My personal worries about myself really melted away with that smile. I only wish it had come at the beginning of class, not the last ten minutes.

     I can't wait to have more smiles like that, more moments where I realize that my learning and practice are things that I am secure in.  It's different to think you're secure in one moment, then be thrown in front of an audience of people and feel this overwhelming sense of dread.  I mean just dread in the pit of your stomach to the tips of your toes to the sudden feeling like you have been mistaken for some type of astrophysics professor.  When in reality you are trying to describe the value that line has in art.

     Right now I am in my last few weeks of my first year teaching. I am also in my last few weeks of my last semester of my last year in graduate school.  I think that these two things just show how good God is, opening doors for me while I'm not even out of the previous building.  I have a lot of applications out to various full time positions, artists residency's, and career path jobs. Not that my teaching at this school might not lead to a full time position, it just isn't looking very hopeful and they don't have a printmaking department which might make for a difficult advancement.  difficult but not impossible.

I have sent and been working on various letters, and I don't know if I will get any offers. I so far have gotten a lot of thank you for applying but we regret to inform you's.  Which can be troubling to receive.  I guess I needed today to be able to reflect on all the ways that God has provided for me.

God provides.
Doors to open, grace and patience with students, and provides moments for me to know he cares for me in ways outside of my own thinking.

Do you know anything about computers? No? Then you're perfect.

     People who know me are aware that outside of an iphone, I am not technologically inclined.  I am not the friend you call to help you fix anything on your computer, and if you need help untangling your ear buds I am not much better.  I am not a good helper. But God has a way of taking things that we aren't good at and showing us that we can be good at them, or in my case mildly mediocre.
     I have been trying lately to get my mind engaged with the idea of living a life with a purposefully spiritual relationship with God.  As someone who is finishing grad school, working one too many jobs, and still trying to find community it is a real challenge to have the deep spiritual life I was used to.  Church on sundays, small groups on thursdays, leading highschool small group wednesday, college group fridays, I was literally being spoon fed quality christian time.  And it was awesome, and I needed it, and without I wouldn't know how good God is.  So when I have free time now, I see that I can choose to fill it with things that make me happy, or I can choose to fill it with the true source of happiness.  Being the christian hedonist I am, I have started filling my time with a little more Jesus.
     This desire is basically how I ended up joining Young Life.  Now I have done Young Life before, I have worked with students before, but this time around I am not a full fledged high school leader. I am a helper.  My besties, and long distance friends, can attest that I enjoy being a leader. Maybe even a little too much sometimes.  But I know that working in a high school group should require at least a four year commitment, and I just don't have the time to dedicate to that right now. So I didn't think ti was right to join for part of that time, then leave. (If you volunteer for at least four years in a highschool ministry you can see at least one group of kids through, start to finish. I highly recommend volunteering for this, it'll change your life)  I do have time to show up on Mondays and help in any way I am needed.  I never would have thought my volunteering would lead me to being the new AV person.

    That's right, the last person on your IT help line is running power point, speakers, microphone cables and noise stuff.  Part of me has been very frustrated.  Clearly the man running this show doesn't understand that I have a great improv comedy background and that I would be great at church skits, or maybe he just doesn't realize I love sharing what God has done in my life, or maybe he just doesn't understand that I don't know how to use machines that are a lot smarter than me.  I have gently, and then strongly, reminded this guy that I don't like computers, and that the other girls don't like doing skits, but I do.   Yet, I am the computer person.  Paul had it right, "I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some." So, I do the computer nerd stuff.

     It made me frustrated, and then I laughed about it, and now I know its true, when it feels like God is doing a few things in your life on the surface, below surface level there's a lot going on.  Working in such a behind the scenes position has made me realize how important it is for things to run smoothly so that divine appointments can happen.  It also made me passionate about making these behind the scene things run smoothly, which has lead me to prayer.  The number one behind the scenes devotion that we can take part in.  No one see's you do it, no one knows you did it, and you can get some work done!  It has been a while since I have started my mornings with prayer.  I have forgotten just how sweet the day can be.  In the book Spiritual Disciplines, praying is refereed to as this direct connection with God. A time for intercession.  That book has helped me learn how to pray, and when you pray, things happen.  
     For a week I spent an hour in prayer every morning, it helped changed my days and it helped changed my thinking.  Instead of my mind wandering to its typical hangouts, food, boys, netflix, and art ideas, I found myself continually thinking about what I had prayed for that morning and would keep asking God to be with those people.  It wasn't a month long fast, and it wasn't a year in scripture. It was simply seeking the Lord, and asking for his intervention in some areas that need some help.  I'm writing and telling you, not to brag or boast, but because it can be so easy to have a deep connection with God.  God is so rad in that he will literally give you the wisdom for situations, the words when you need them, and just what you are thirsty for.  Just brace yourself, because that desire for wisdom might lead you behind a computer screen.  Not just a facebook, term paper writing computer either, like a real grown up computer with knobs and sound cord stuff computer.
I am so totally excited to see what else God has in store for this adventure, and I am really happy to share this with you. Because I used to pray a lot, and this has reminded me that praying is awesome.  

Photos not included

     This past summer I traveled to India and got to meet amazing people who love Jesus. I'd insert a picture here but most of them have been deleted. My boyfriend was the first to make the mistake of deleting my photos before I had uploaded them to my camera, granted it had been more than a month and I hadn't done anything with them. I was next to fail, as my iphone suddenly stopped working. No response, nothing. Another batch of India photos gone, several months after the trip, meaning several months worth of time to upload them. My actions, or lack of, might be the pinnacle rock bottom point of laziness.
    When I first met my boyfriend I had the opportunity to surprise him with court side tickets to the Dallas Mavericks game. I was afraid to call to see about tickets, and to be honest I kept thinking, why don't I wait till... After several weeks time the player we knew on the team that was willing to give me court side tickets was traded. I set my alarm for 8:30 every morning, and then snooze, and snooze, and snooze. I mean hey, this is my "relax and chill" part of the semester. I just received my Master of Arts a week ago, I deserve the right to snooze. Don't I? My gym membership, well, is currently something I regret paying for. I haven't reached the point of laziness where I have to buy new underwear, but I have a feeling I am getting close. There is this small rumble I can hear in the back of my life right now, it sounds slightly intriguing as well as partially terrifying. I do believe it is a case of the lazies, and for the first time in my life I am terrified.
    
     I will be honest and say that I don't spend every morning doing a devotional, that is spending time reading the Bible and soaking up what the Bible has to offer. I don't spend it in prayer, I don't spend it singing songs of worship. I don't meditate on the goodness and faithfulness that I believe in. I just live. And just living is starting to take an effect. Somewhere along the way to becoming an adult, you involuntarily sign up for social experiments that will make you want to die. Such as: A stranger would like to buy your art, you price it too high and he still wants it. This is about the moment your mind goes spinning about what to do with the small windfall, new shoes, that fancy tea from the expensive tea store that celebrities shop at, more art supplies, a sweater for your dog, maybe the utility bill... And, embarrassingly enough I do believe my decisions on where to spend my money have been similar to watching someone playing Plinko on the price is right.
     I've been hoping that I would have the time to sit down and blog, maybe about the goodness and graciousness and general awesomeness that comes from being a Christian. But, lets face it. I'm blowing it big time. There is something to be said about a person who can manage their business well, being prepared for every event, having their end of things taken care of. And it isn't "what a show off"...

An update on Dallas

This is an update from Dallas, that means I made it to graduate school. I've had doors and opportunities open for me. I have my own studio, my own apartment and last night I was part of a juried gallery exhibit in one of the oldest galleries in Texas. And I sold my work. God provides.