A while back at the Rock PM, at the Bridge church, I was hearing a reoccurring theme in everyone's prayers and praise reports. That they were living by faith. People were holding out for a promise. They knew God would provide because they were 'living by faith'. I thought it was stupid. I thought we are all living by faith, people have told me all my life that as a Christian I must have a lot of faith in God. Living by faith is something we are called to do: You believe in God, instant faith! One could even argue there is faith in just that sentence. But if you don't really entrust everything to God, you make back up plans, keep a tight budget and savings large, worry about the outcome of things, are you really living a faith based life?
I wasn't sure about that. I wanted to see what it was like to only be able to see the next step in front of me and have faith that God would provide the next step after that. I wanted to hold onto a promise to come true. So I did something stupid, I asked God to teach me what it was like to have faith.
Any Christian who has asked God for a virtue will at some point tell you they might have looked back on it, or yelled at God 'I take it back! Forget what I asked for, I don't need patience/humility/faith' If not, they should share with me their secrets.
I asked God to show me what it was like to live by faith quite a few months ago. It has been accompanied by studying my Bible continually, confiding in my small group about this as well as my struggles, and praying. A lot of praying. Over the summer I prayed a lot about what type of graduate schools to apply to, as to pursue theology or a newly found art talent. I then heard a sermon that changed my life plan for the last five or eight years. I have wanted to study theology, religion, apologetics, because as a Christian I believe a life that is rich in wisdom will be a solid foundation for a christian faith as well as providing thoughts to share on why being a christian is the right choice for others. However I had been neglecting how powerful life based on faith can be without knowing greek roots to words, and who the oldest man in the bible was and why my favorite translation of the hebrew text is better than others. It was a huge revelation for me. It made me realize that if God blessed me with a talent I could pursue it. That it was very likely God made everyone to do something so well they could do it their whole life and have joy doing it. So I set out to see if this was my promise.
I decided to drop theology, and pursue something I found incredibly exciting. It was not long after that I came across John 10. I am sure if must have been in a sermon, because I believe it was a few months ago that Jeff was going through John. It is about Jesus being a Shepard to his flock, and providing for them. This is what got to my core, this is the promise that Jesus made for all of his followers no matter what you pursue in life:
John 10:10
New Living Translation (NLT)
10 The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.
Other translations will end like this:
That they may have life and have it abundantly
So they will have life to the fullest
So they will have life and so that they will have everything they need
I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.
I have sense then held onto that, and reminded myself of it at times daily, and at others hourly. Last semester I felt like my efforts to apply to graduate programs were hopeless. Like I was inexperienced, ill prepared, and maybe even abandoning what God wants me to do. I remember one moment well, I felt like I needed to give up and just say forget it I couldn't even figure out where to find application information on the schools website. Then my phone rang, and it was one of the universities I was interested in, she said she would email me sites for the application as well as scholarship sites. It was one of the most encouraging phone calls I received all month!
The art hop I did after that, I wasn't sure how people would like my work. I wasn't sure if I looked like a christian artists, whatever that means. That night I spoke with a man who was diagnosed with cancer. He was out filling his life with other things to not think about it, that conversation was brought about because of one of my pieces being about how big God is, how inescapable. We prayed and hopefully he returned to his congregation.
This last week I turned in my last application to a graduate program. I was terrified giving it to the post office, I was terrified driving away. I have no clue if I will get in anywhere. This argument kept running through my head: I am not promised graduate school, like I am promised life to the fullest. It was the next day that I received a letter from UTK saying I had passed the first round of evaluations for graduate admissions and would be contacted by mail if accepted. The day after was the day that I was offered an artists residency, and help in making suggestions for a printmaking studio.
I don't know if I'll get accepted to any schools this next semester. I don't know what I will do if I don't. It has been stressful and difficult, more so than I expected. I often myself not having enough faith, or being like a loser. Like a dog returning to his vomit, ignoring Christ. And finding Christ to not ignore me and through some amazing grace purposefully seek me out. I have seemed to look myself in the mirror more and say 'are you really sure about this?'. Living a life of faith is something different to me now. I do not think this is just a lesson I am learning, but a lifestyle that I am understanding how to pursue. I do believe that God has promised every person life, and abundantly at that. In the past months I have had more doors open for me then I am capable of opening with my two hands. If you are searching for doors to be open, I pray that you will be able to find yourself doing something joyous that God has designed you perfectly to do, and that you will receive life to the fullest, in a way more abundantly than you can hold and greater than you can imagine.
I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.
