The last real time that I was in community college I was a student. I am a teacher now. A professor. Today I was teaching a general art class called art appreciation. It is a survey of art, studio practices as well as a brief history survey of famous art movements.
When I was younger I thought it would be so exciting to teach art, to know about the history of famous pieces of art. And now I finally know about them, I know about art and that thought really excites me.
Every now and then I become down trodden about life, will I be able to teach enough classes to make a full income, will I have to keep picking up shifts at the restaurant to make ends meet, what am I doing with my life. But then there are times like today, where I was lecturing on an art movement, and had my notes but then was able to recall from wisdom other facets and ideas about the movement. It was an incredible moment and I let out the biggest smile. My students might assume I know about art, and I know that I know about art. But it is such a feeling to know that you can recall things from memory and not just reading them from a list of facts.
It felt like I actually knew what I was doing today, I think I can allow myself to feel successful in that since I am so early in my career. But it felt like I wasn't faking it anymore, and I've clung to the mantra 'fake it till you make it'. It felt so good. My personal worries about myself really melted away with that smile. I only wish it had come at the beginning of class, not the last ten minutes.
I can't wait to have more smiles like that, more moments where I realize that my learning and practice are things that I am secure in. It's different to think you're secure in one moment, then be thrown in front of an audience of people and feel this overwhelming sense of dread. I mean just dread in the pit of your stomach to the tips of your toes to the sudden feeling like you have been mistaken for some type of astrophysics professor. When in reality you are trying to describe the value that line has in art.
Right now I am in my last few weeks of my first year teaching. I am also in my last few weeks of my last semester of my last year in graduate school. I think that these two things just show how good God is, opening doors for me while I'm not even out of the previous building. I have a lot of applications out to various full time positions, artists residency's, and career path jobs. Not that my teaching at this school might not lead to a full time position, it just isn't looking very hopeful and they don't have a printmaking department which might make for a difficult advancement. difficult but not impossible.
I have sent and been working on various letters, and I don't know if I will get any offers. I so far have gotten a lot of thank you for applying but we regret to inform you's. Which can be troubling to receive. I guess I needed today to be able to reflect on all the ways that God has provided for me.
God provides.
Doors to open, grace and patience with students, and provides moments for me to know he cares for me in ways outside of my own thinking.
