I am afraid. I am anxious. I have an over active imagination that likes to show me the negatives, as well as the unlikely probabilities. The car crashes that could have happened, the bad conversations I've had and my social faux pas, and then the rabbit hole of internet searching for apartments when I get the dream job I'm under qualified for that I just applied for. I know for some people my rabbit hole of internet searching, is their pinterest wedding plans they've made while they stay single. So I know we all have our own rabbit holes.
My life right now has been contingent on my happiness, and my normalcy. My comfort levels bobbing on the surface of my spot in the ocean. Never sinking too far down, never really sailing anywhere, just bobbing around.
I've been bobbing. I have the same routine, I had the same relationships, I did the same things. Nothing too much was expected of me, and nothing has really been required of me outside of my normal.
And I have been trapped in the realm of normalcy. It is the easiest place to get trapped. Keeping up with the styles, doing the popular netflix instagram work out, practicing my social skills. It's easy to master, and it requires very little practice, and above all else it is safe. Tried and true.
As a Christian I have been trying to make this bobbing along thing work with my relationship with God. Make it to bible study, make it to church, make it to serving. I say make it, because most of the time I was running late. On the service level I looked like I was bobbing along just fine. And I think that's the problem. I pushed away problems and issues, I pushed away areas that needed work. I knew there were changes that I had to make, but I kept pushing them away. I told myself I would deal with them later. So I never had to do anything but float along, and worry about issues next week.
As Christians we are called to have life, and to have life to the fullest. To live for a God who wants to see his Children thriving. My unrest, my unhappiness, it came from normalcy. It came from being mediocre. It came from being disengaged.
In actively listening to my duty as a Christian, I've been dealing my issues. Bringing things to light, figuring out plans of action. I'm starting to swim again, starting to face some big waves. This last weekend, I face some big waves. When issues started to swell, I felt like I was going to drown. I knew I had my path to comfort right next to Gods path for growth and purpose. I chose God's path and I can tell you there was an immediate sense that a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders. Even breathing became easier. I can still see areas of my heart that need conviction and growth, and areas where things need to be worked on. But I am out of the comfort zone, and i'm ready to be willing to jump back onto riding waves and enjoying the ocean instead of bobbing around aimlessly.
I know that God offers the best adventures, and that he has never disappointed me or let me down. He provides hand over fist, and I know that exciting things are yet to come.
So now I'm trying to seek more of his adventure, and trying to keep a humble heart that seeks to be used for his purposes. Which might mean becoming uncomfortable. It might mean I can't bob around. But I am excited for the opportunity to be used in Gods plan.
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