You don't give your heart in pieces

I wanted to call today to tell you about this new guy I've been dating.  I wanted to ask you about your trip. I wanted to hear what you were going to do, and tell you about the car Kody rented. I wanted to let you know what I was doing, where I was, and what I was looking for. I wanted to talk to you.

I wanted to tell you that I had been looking through some photos, and that you looked so young and alive. You looked happy, and you held me in your arms and put my face right up to yours.  I thought it was funny to see myself in matching outfits, at so many different events.  I was so cultured and traveled.  I wanted to know if you thought I'd be fat, because my cheeks were so round.  Or if my hair was ever ridiculous, because it just looked so big and curly.  I wanted to ask if you took some of the photos of me, because you weren't in all of them. I wanted to know if you were holding the camera. I wanted to talk to you.

I wanted to tell you about the guy I'm dating. I wanted you to ask about what happened, and if I'm ready to start seeing someone new.  I wanted to feel that you cared, that you were curious who I spent my nights with, how late do I stay out, where does he take me, did I meet him on an app.  I wanted you to ask me about online dating apps, and if I let strangers take me out.  I just wanted to hear some advice. I want to hear you get angry and hurt for me, I want to know what it feels like to hear you get angry at someone.  I want to hear you go off about how not all men are untrustworthy.  I want you to go off on me for not leaving sooner, I want to be upset that you're looking out for me.  I wanted to hear from you, I want your support.  I wanted to tell you how I felt, I wanted to talk to you.

I wanted to tell you how we were in the same Bible study last year, and how he heard me spill my guts so honestly and openly.  That when it came time for prayer requests, and I was surrounded by strangers I asked with abandon.  I shared where my heart was, and what I was doing, and asked for support.  I wanted to tell you how I didn't know them, but recklessly asked knowing that someone might pray for me and that God meets the broken so surely someone must help me.  I wanted to tell you that the only prayer requests were for friends who had problems, or for someone else, that no one shared about themselves, and so I felt insecure. I felt that these people would never open up, I had to find a new small group. I came one more time, and that was it. But it was just long enough for someone to like me, and to see that I was real and genuine and truly passionate about becoming a better human.  And I know that, because he told me. I wanted to talk to you.

I'm taking yoga now, and sometimes I go to the arboretum afterwards to draw flowers in my sketchbook.  I take one of those soccer chairs we took to Kodys games.  You'd tell me that works, and maybe you'd tell me about the games or something that you're doing in your garden.  You'd tell me what is new, and what you've planted and what got taken away.  Maybe there are some new doves that are nesting in that old planter we just can't throw away because thats where the doves always nest.  Maybe they're there, maybe you're still shooting predators away from the nest with a BB gun.  You could ask me about the flowers that are at the arboretum, or if i'm still trying to grow things on my patio, I am. I think I killed some rosemary, and the aloe vera isn't looking well. But the flowers are doing great, they're growing as high as that kale you planted.  I wonder if you knew it would grow those little flower trees, or if that was a surprise to you.  I wanted to talk to you.

I want to tell you about this school year, about the things going on on campus.  How my friends are going to be teachers at my school, isn't that awesome?  I want to ask you about your mom, if you remember things from when she was a teacher.  You could tell me a story about it, I'd take anything.  Maybe she wanted someone else in her family to be a teacher, a grandaughter in education. Like cousin Jessica, maybe I could be a principal, was she proud of her? I remember seeing her graduation, was your mom there? Did she save the news clippings?  Do you still have my news clippings? Do you want to know what my classroom theme is, i'd tell you, you'd love it. It's GROW. I wanted to do a plant theme, to grow means to learn and to grow means you adapt.  And I guess I can learn not to talk to you, and I can find someone else to share this with.  But I wish that I could share it with you, and I wish that you wanted to talk to me too.