My selfish heart

The past few nights have been really terrible. I've been exhausted and cranky, and haven't been waking up feeling any better.

The people that have had the privilege to be around me can surely attest that I'm not as positive as I could be. I'm not trying to make this a laundry list of excuses for my grumpiness but I was thinking about it on my drive home from YFC and realize that the problems don't come so much from other people, but from my selfish heart.

My selfish heart is one that starts to show after I have spent some time convincing myself that I deserve the best of everything. The best meals, the best clothing, the best of friendships and peoples time. The best body, the best hair styles, the best books to read. I don't know exactly where the source of this sour spring comes from, but I can never seem to catch it at the start. It's only after its been seeping into my mind for a while that I start to realize that I am starting to think as miserable, unhappy people often do. Feeling bad for myself, apathetic in my actions and stressed out about how much there is to do. These feelings are surely not the most becoming of myself, nor do they seem to present the love and hope of Christ.

It would be nice to say I've learned that its much more worth it to give others the best of everything I have, instead of demanding the best from the world, but my actions are weak in heart and are having trouble shaping up in to that concept.
I don't check my schedule so I'm late to a bible study I prepared poorly for. My trip to my grandmothers is marred by the fact that I can't stay long and can only thing about wanting to shower. I clean up after other people and straighten and vacuum as well as a bitter heart can. The floor and mop feeling my aggression for the summer.

I guess in a way, I'm going through the actions of service. I'm delivering an action, a concept of my thoughts, but my heart is farther away at times than it is close. This isn't to say that everything I do is done out of a place of despair. I've enjoyed spending time with my grandmother, and have truly enjoyed and feel blessed by conversations that we've had. I think I've been blessed by having other girls in my home. It's been such a nice change of pace, and I don't have to eat ice cream alone while I watch TV.

Maybe this can just be a note to myself that if I'm not too careful in my thoughts that my selfish heart will over ride the concept of service. It's a humbling look back to say the least, but I'm sure I'm being whipped into shape for things that are yet to come and when I get there I'm sure I'll be much better prepared.