Hallelujah

Isn't that neat? We can sing "Hallelujah, he is coming!"

The idea of Jesus coming is something that we should rejoice in, not something to be in fear of. When you see Jesus coming it shouldn't feel the same way as a teacher walking down an isle passing out pop quizzes. Or judgmental christians who give questioning eyes on the halter top you wear to church.

The last few weeks at church I have some how ended up sitting next to the same couple. Their new to our college group, and apparently can't stand to be more than a foot away from each other at all times. The first time I sat next to them I couldnt' stop turning to watch them grope each other, or rub, or kiss, or suggestively wink. I mean, we were in church.

As easily as I played the church lady though, I could have joked, slyly asked 'how could they ever handle a long distance relationship?'. Avoiding the disapproving glances and opting for anything friendlier.

Hallelujah God doesn't send us disapproving glances at every wrong thing we do. I imagine it to be more of a confused look. A well-isn't-that-different-can-you-stop-now-please type look, possibly. Not unlike the confused look of a dog.

How easy it is for me to scrunch and glare at them. When instead I could just accept it, and pray for them to see how groping each other in church isn't exactly helping to focus attention to God. A confused yet patient look. Because in my selfish heart, I hope that Jesus might not glare at me; but stare without looking away, confused, waiting for me to stop.

People, and my love/hate relationship for them

I try to be spiritual but it's very hard. I've always read how Jesus was, and when you get to the core of the matter he loved people. You know that kid at school, who is just so annoying. Jesus loved them. Jessica Grace does not.


If you are trying to change how you are on the outside, like I am, you better look in. It's like that whole what you put in, comes out. One way or the other. Anyways, I decided I need to love people. And it's been very hard. All I have learned is that I am very hateful. I really look out for myself only. Just look at what I've written so far almost ten I's. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

Can you love others, and still be self centered? These anarchist kids started talking to me after the decision to honestly love others was made. Let me tell you, I wanted to be a crazy person on them. I was ready to punch them in the face. I got over it. I realized these were people, and people can change. Therefore these angry anarchist kids are just normal growing humans who will one day look back and realize that yelling at innocent truth seekers is not the way.

I use to yell at people a lot. Then I realized yelling does nothing but push people away. Try a little kindness, try love. Everyone says it, posters say it. T-shirts. slogans. songs. It's a lot harder than it sounds.

Right now, I'm working on loving people.

Ballet is for skinny chicks, not me

Yes, I have decided that ballet is for skinny chicks not me. But I want to do it, so i'm still going to do it.

Does that mean working out more? yes.
Does that mean eating less? well I haven't decided yet.

Of course the correct answer would be to eat healthy, and foods that are positive, and not so much carbs. Which in my case is every meal. Perhaps I will stop eating carbs, and eat more things like green apples. or celery. I was told that if you eat things like green apples it will take more energy to eat them than they are worth in calories or what not. So i'll probably eat two a day, that way i'll not only be skinny but invisible as well in two weeks or so.

So ballet really hurts, and is painfull. My legs feel like I weigh 400 pounds, my butt hurts, my thighs hurt, my legs look fat in tights.
BUT I will show up everyday, and work on things, and try to feel more comfortable in my own skin. So I won't give into eating disorders, as much as I dearly want to.
If ballet's going to give me this much hell, i'm giving it hell back.
Although ballet probably doesn't realize this that much.


I need to register for school, I would like to go to san diego. Too bad i'm poor.

i know someone who knows someone

I'd like to say that maybe this chapter marks the start of no more broken hearts, but that shit would be a lie.



I like a boy who likes someone, who most likely is not me.



I'm starting to live, i'm trying to work, i'm starting to learn, and living to fail.
Damn, that was too sad for me, retract that.

It's summer time to party and live some.

Hit me like you did the first time.

I think that growing up everyone has a type of dream they'd like to see fulfilled. I had two. To go to space camp. And to be really good at something without trying very hard, or at all really.

If you don't know this about me, i've never been to space camp. I went to a circus camp once, but never space camp. But, in sixth grade I was in band. And I thought that might be my chance. Seeing as it didn't work out too well for me and dance or softball. I was handed a clarinet, and I couldn't even get a sound out of it. So I was a little disappointed. I tried a flute, and I couldn't even make a noise out of that and apparently that is something really easy. After that my band teacher got a little sorry for me and a lot of kids made fun of me and called me flute girl. Then he said, well try this not a lot of people can play it but you might as well give it a try. And I did, and I could play it right away. Which was pretty unusual according to my band teacher.
Well, I am guessing you can tell what happened next. I grew up never practicing but always making it into cool things like the cities youth orchestra. Did some more growing old less growing up and getting a scholarship for music at college. Never knowing how to practice but more of how to play. Which I am unfortunately having to learn and work on here at school, learning how to practice and how to move my fingers faster.

I guess if we look hard enough at our lives we can see where our dreams have come true. Which is sad and joyous at the same time. But now I will have a new dream. Even if it is simple, that alright. It would only mean i've achieved more dreams in my life. That might be naive and simple, but I think that's alright. I make up for it in other places.

I have very few regrets. But I am not going to lie, I do have them. Practicing and learning the trait of my instrument more is definitely high on that list. I think the one that breaks my heart the most though is thinking of a boy back home I never dated, but had liked. I saw my problem was that I didn't even try. I guess if you never try, you'll never know right. But then, what if you try and you fail. Or try and succeed. Sometimes, it feels good to smile. Others, it feels good to burn.
It can feel like a movie star.
I think I should be sad now, but I have so many things to be glad about I just don't see any room for it right now.

drafted

The other day I was talking on the phone to my boyfriend. I was apologizing for, things. We talked for a long time. At one point in the talk, it got to the point where I said I had a hard time finding faith in God. It's hard to go on sometimes, it really is.
He then gave me a speech about faith.

If you can ever remember sitting in a pew as a child, and tearing apart an offering envelope to draw on, or going to bible studies with your parents, or playing hide n go seek during christmas rehearsals, and such, you'll get this next part. It seems like every other speech, or sermon, you'll get in life is about having faith. How some one had a hard time, and struggled believing God was there, but then he showed up through a miracle or something. There is always a tunnel involved it seems, and there was always a light. You either chose something bad, or something good, and they make it seem like everything weighs on this choice. I am always hoping Trevac will show up at the time my choice roles around.
He never does.

My boyfriend went on to give me one of those speeches, because he loves me and he wants me to be happy. At that point I became very upset because I was sure he was trying to 'convert' me, and he wasn't. I would make a great converted christian though. I know everything to say to make someone's testimony even better. I'd sit and wait, and when the time came i'd cry. and then I would tell them how their story changed my life in a revolutionary way and I would quite drinking and drugs, and tell my pimp I couldn't work for him any more and everything would be smiles and rainbows.
But i've been a christian since I was three.

iron

We are creatures of pattern, of habbit, of repetition. I was thinking this earlier while getting ready to bathe. I brush my hair, I find my flip-flops, I shampoo, condition, try not to let my bar of soap hit the ground while looking for my luffa, and so on. Even in the simplest of things.
It made me wonder what kind of patterns Jesus had. Or even God. Like when He was making the animals. Did he start with the color, or stripes, maybe the hoof or paw. I guess he could have just made them, but I find a kind of comfort in the pattern idea.

I was watching my friends talk about some hot subject right now. Gay rights, abortion, whatever. I don't even have to throw out positions, you know what they are. I stuck my thoughts in like everyone else, seeming like a better or worse person for saying them. Later on while I was thinking about pattrns, and how or who Jesus is. I wondered where He would stand. I was talking to some friends and my boyfriend about it, about Jesus and whether he made laws and tried to get people to believe them, or if he would just love people.
If you've noticed in the Bible the authors talk a lot about how he mainly talked in parables. I know the old testament proclaims we will know our messiah by his talking in parables. So, maybe Jesus would tell potentially pregnant or pregnant women parables.
Jesus was also direct though, like the time in the temple, where he flipped the tables and talked about not desecrating his fathers house. I don't think there were any parables there. Or in Mathew or like Mark where he is asked what the most important law, of all those given. He says it is to love the Lord thy God above all else. So he is direct.
Maybe he would give some direct parable, maybe he would tell us what to do, maybe he wouldn't. But I know as iron sharpens iron so a man should sharpen his brother in Christ, and sadly most conversation about that subject aren't started for growing or learning but for the sake of proving what we learned in our sunday school or saw on a video or read on some web site. Or maybe that's just how I have caught myself starting them, maybe it's my own human error. Maybe it's my a humanly flaw.

It's deffinitly a negitive pattren I have picked up. I think there is something in listening that is key to wisdom. Perhaps instead of mouthing off whatever I feel like I know that others don't, I will listen and think. Then open my mouth. Then say something. I know I have often knicked others instead of sharpening them.

Here's to improving our character, and trying to be upright again...

Jake

I hadn't spent anytime in the bible for about a month or more. The last time I was on my knees was three weeks ago and I didn't want to go back in fear of God answering my prayers again. Last time I asked him to shake me up, turn my world around, put me back on the path for him. the lesosn learned was to be careful what you pray for, along with other things.
I had not helped anyone out. I hadn't given to the needy. The lost had walked by me and I have not tried to help them in the least. I had been careless with my faith, with my walk with christ and it showed in my life.

I was stressed out. I was short tempered, and best of all my life was in ruins. Yes my life was in ruins, and yes I am only in college. Yes that is a collge that costs too much, and yes even now I am typing on my fancy computer in a coffee shop.

That was when I remembered that I sighned up for the bread of life. This ministry project that goes down town to help out the homeless. Feed them, talk to them, clothe them. I had just finished band and decided to go. So I went, by myself to help the homeless.
I don't know if I helped very much, I kinda just stood against a wall. When I wasn't standing next to a wall I was talking to people. I didn't serve them food. I didn't help them pick out clothes. I talked to them. I don't know if I acomplished anything with anyone that day, or if I made anyones day better but I went. I met two homeless men. well actually I met about seven. we talked about baseball, we talked about music. we talked about how a lady there looked a lot like she could be hillary clintons daughter. We talked about school. Kids, being one and having them. But I spent the most time talking to these two men. they were old, they had kids. Jake, he had daughters who went on to be very succesful. All three of his daughters graduated from college with honors and are now married to very successful men. I don't know why he is homeless. I didn't ask.

I don't know why they were there, some of them. Some of them, some of them really didnt look homeless. Just poor. they were just there to eat dinner because they probably couldnt afford to have dinner at home. I met a guy there that didn't look to bad. To homeless I mean. excuse me as my inner ignorance is caught. He didn't look like he had been living on the street very long, and he hadn't. He had just gotten out of jail. He didn't say what he went there for and I didn't ask. His kids wont talk to him. He has no connections socially and has no where to go and no one will hire a guy right out of jail. I guess when you think your life is in ruins something always has to happen to show you it could be worse.

Nothing amazing happened when I was there really. there were no mircales. No one came to christ in a dramatic way. we didn't even talk about him. But we did talk about ourselves.

I was leaning against this wall, and I never lean against walls and keep to myself. I can normally talk to stranges. But I just felt pinned to that wall. How do you talk about the new season of lost to someone who doesnt even have a tv? I leaned against that spot. I realized I hadn't eaten since lunch at around noon. It was now 8:30. I was terribly hungry. I guess they were too though.

We talked about being homeless on the way back to school. A girl asked our driver, a boy only a year older than me who had just spent the week living on the streets with the homeless as a plan to get to know them better. She asked, do you think if they could just walk out of it they would? He replied yes. But it is so hard to start over again most of them stay where they are.


I don't think I have reached that point of no return yet. And for that I guess I will continue to press on. With the minor troubles and tragedys that occur. If you could even call them that.

lil john and the e side crew

I was on my way to the beach this weekend with some new friends at college. We were going to play some football. I was sitting in the back of this guy's subaru, reminded of how I had a friend with one and the first time he took me in it we went 120 down West from Herndon. Those in the no know what I am talking about. I dreaded the game and busied myself carousing his cd booklet. Something very old fashioned and still lovely to me.
We talked about music, and what artist we like. I said yes, I do like rap music. I think it is very neat how the beats and fast words can sound so nice. He asked me what type of rap music I listent to, maintstream or underground. I said whatever I can get. I also said my favorite rap artist was little john. i think he is doing somethign unique in rap music, and I like his style. I am not going to lie.

He said he liked rap music too. He then said something rather convicting to me. He said he did like rap music. but he threw away all his music because it was degrading, and trying to grow in the spirit is impossible when listening to that type of stuff. he said it just kinda brings his spirit down, so he stays off of it.

he stays off of it. like it was a drug.
I felt kinda like I have been cheating myself of something. that i was blocking off by listening to degrading music. i started to argue the fact in my mind, and couldnt help but think my spirit does better when I am filled with holyer things than lil john and the east side crew.


Sometimes, what we do fills us up I guess. Our music, our words, our actions...But we may just be so used to it that it doesnt 'effect' us anymore. But maybe it does, maybe inadverntently it does I mean. Because the things we could do instead might be just a little more beneficial to us. So when we have the chance to be in Gods presence, or to live a Godly life style, why do we go astray?


So I will still listen to lil john still with the girls in the car on the way to the dance club. They probably won't be on my top 25 playlist anymore though. I know I will still pass up those God moments that are waiting for me even now. But at least maybe now I can be a little more in tune to finding God this month. this week. or at least tomorrow.