Life to the fullest

A while back at the Rock PM, at the Bridge church, I was hearing a reoccurring theme in everyone's prayers and praise reports. That they were living by faith. People were holding out for a promise. They knew God would provide because they were 'living by faith'. I thought it was stupid. I thought we are all living by faith, people have told me all my life that as a Christian I must have a lot of faith in God. Living by faith is something we are called to do: You believe in God, instant faith! One could even argue there is faith in just that sentence. But if you don't really entrust everything to God, you make back up plans, keep a tight budget and savings large, worry about the outcome of things, are you really living a faith based life?

I wasn't sure about that. I wanted to see what it was like to only be able to see the next step in front of me and have faith that God would provide the next step after that. I wanted to hold onto a promise to come true. So I did something stupid, I asked God to teach me what it was like to have faith.

Any Christian who has asked God for a virtue will at some point tell you they might have looked back on it, or yelled at God 'I take it back! Forget what I asked for, I don't need patience/humility/faith' If not, they should share with me their secrets.

I asked God to show me what it was like to live by faith quite a few months ago. It has been accompanied by studying my Bible continually, confiding in my small group about this as well as my struggles, and praying. A lot of praying. Over the summer I prayed a lot about what type of graduate schools to apply to, as to pursue theology or a newly found art talent. I then heard a sermon that changed my life plan for the last five or eight years. I have wanted to study theology, religion, apologetics, because as a Christian I believe a life that is rich in wisdom will be a solid foundation for a christian faith as well as providing thoughts to share on why being a christian is the right choice for others. However I had been neglecting how powerful life based on faith can be without knowing greek roots to words, and who the oldest man in the bible was and why my favorite translation of the hebrew text is better than others. It was a huge revelation for me. It made me realize that if God blessed me with a talent I could pursue it. That it was very likely God made everyone to do something so well they could do it their whole life and have joy doing it. So I set out to see if this was my promise.

I decided to drop theology, and pursue something I found incredibly exciting. It was not long after that I came across John 10. I am sure if must have been in a sermon, because I believe it was a few months ago that Jeff was going through John. It is about Jesus being a Shepard to his flock, and providing for them. This is what got to my core, this is the promise that Jesus made for all of his followers no matter what you pursue in life:

John 10:10

New Living Translation (NLT)

10 The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.

Other translations will end like this:
That they may have life and have it abundantly
So they will have life to the fullest
So they will have life and so that they will have everything they need
I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.


I have sense then held onto that, and reminded myself of it at times daily, and at others hourly. Last semester I felt like my efforts to apply to graduate programs were hopeless. Like I was inexperienced, ill prepared, and maybe even abandoning what God wants me to do. I remember one moment well, I felt like I needed to give up and just say forget it I couldn't even figure out where to find application information on the schools website. Then my phone rang, and it was one of the universities I was interested in, she said she would email me sites for the application as well as scholarship sites. It was one of the most encouraging phone calls I received all month!

The art hop I did after that, I wasn't sure how people would like my work. I wasn't sure if I looked like a christian artists, whatever that means. That night I spoke with a man who was diagnosed with cancer. He was out filling his life with other things to not think about it, that conversation was brought about because of one of my pieces being about how big God is, how inescapable. We prayed and hopefully he returned to his congregation.

This last week I turned in my last application to a graduate program. I was terrified giving it to the post office, I was terrified driving away. I have no clue if I will get in anywhere. This argument kept running through my head: I am not promised graduate school, like I am promised life to the fullest. It was the next day that I received a letter from UTK saying I had passed the first round of evaluations for graduate admissions and would be contacted by mail if accepted. The day after was the day that I was offered an artists residency, and help in making suggestions for a printmaking studio.

I don't know if I'll get accepted to any schools this next semester. I don't know what I will do if I don't. It has been stressful and difficult, more so than I expected. I often myself not having enough faith, or being like a loser. Like a dog returning to his vomit, ignoring Christ. And finding Christ to not ignore me and through some amazing grace purposefully seek me out. I have seemed to look myself in the mirror more and say 'are you really sure about this?'. Living a life of faith is something different to me now. I do not think this is just a lesson I am learning, but a lifestyle that I am understanding how to pursue. I do believe that God has promised every person life, and abundantly at that. In the past months I have had more doors open for me then I am capable of opening with my two hands. If you are searching for doors to be open, I pray that you will be able to find yourself doing something joyous that God has designed you perfectly to do, and that you will receive life to the fullest, in a way more abundantly than you can hold and greater than you can imagine.


I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.

Love is strong as death

Tonight is the second night at OGN. A trip I have taken with my church for roughly the past 8 years. It has been a time that I've learned God will use to sculpt you into a better person if you allow him to.
I wanted to write up a quick blog so my family and friends praying for us here would know what's going on, and how they might hear prayers answered.

We had a fairly tough arrival, what with our trailer getting a flat tire before we even reached the grape vine(were in san diego). Our girls weren't in the same rooms as each other, one was even put down as a boy and I don't think she was too happy about her room assignment at all. On a trip to get dinner we were blessed to know our driver could successfuly coast into a gas station with the engine off and the tank empty. It was a very trying day and took a lot of laughing at things to make it through but we made it.

Today we spent our first day out talking to strangers and a lot of our kids had a great conversations. And the sermon tonight was killer.
Brandon spoke on asking God to shake it up, and being willing to surrender your desires and your wants. It brought forth a lot of girls who asked for prayer and help on the things they wanted to surrender. It was humbling and a really amazing night to see God moving in young people. Even now in our dorm a girl has asked to speak to a leader, and o can hear more praying and talking outside. It makes me excited to see what God is doing in these young people and fills me with joy to know I am in a community truly willing and desiring to earnestly seek his will.
Please continue to pray for us as we learn to create conversations that lead to conversion, and that we be open to the messages from the speakers.
Thanks for reading!
Jessie.

My selfish heart

The past few nights have been really terrible. I've been exhausted and cranky, and haven't been waking up feeling any better.

The people that have had the privilege to be around me can surely attest that I'm not as positive as I could be. I'm not trying to make this a laundry list of excuses for my grumpiness but I was thinking about it on my drive home from YFC and realize that the problems don't come so much from other people, but from my selfish heart.

My selfish heart is one that starts to show after I have spent some time convincing myself that I deserve the best of everything. The best meals, the best clothing, the best of friendships and peoples time. The best body, the best hair styles, the best books to read. I don't know exactly where the source of this sour spring comes from, but I can never seem to catch it at the start. It's only after its been seeping into my mind for a while that I start to realize that I am starting to think as miserable, unhappy people often do. Feeling bad for myself, apathetic in my actions and stressed out about how much there is to do. These feelings are surely not the most becoming of myself, nor do they seem to present the love and hope of Christ.

It would be nice to say I've learned that its much more worth it to give others the best of everything I have, instead of demanding the best from the world, but my actions are weak in heart and are having trouble shaping up in to that concept.
I don't check my schedule so I'm late to a bible study I prepared poorly for. My trip to my grandmothers is marred by the fact that I can't stay long and can only thing about wanting to shower. I clean up after other people and straighten and vacuum as well as a bitter heart can. The floor and mop feeling my aggression for the summer.

I guess in a way, I'm going through the actions of service. I'm delivering an action, a concept of my thoughts, but my heart is farther away at times than it is close. This isn't to say that everything I do is done out of a place of despair. I've enjoyed spending time with my grandmother, and have truly enjoyed and feel blessed by conversations that we've had. I think I've been blessed by having other girls in my home. It's been such a nice change of pace, and I don't have to eat ice cream alone while I watch TV.

Maybe this can just be a note to myself that if I'm not too careful in my thoughts that my selfish heart will over ride the concept of service. It's a humbling look back to say the least, but I'm sure I'm being whipped into shape for things that are yet to come and when I get there I'm sure I'll be much better prepared.

Philippians 2

My brother has pointed out to us that every semester of college has not only ended in finals, but also some event that has shaken my family to the core. This semester it was my grandmothers debilitating stroke, and my grandfather coming into our care. In the past it has been colon cancer, heart attacks, kitchen floods, bathroom floods, and a true cornucopia of other events.

Despite it all though God has continually shown us grace. Now that this semester has come to a close I'm beginning to see that it doesn't take a "super christian" to receive this grace, and it doesn't take a "super christian" to act upon God's will. My family has had to accept and adjust to what God has laid in our path, and then continually accept and re-adjust to the things that he offers up to us. Currently my family has taken on another loved one who could be passed on to someone else, but they have chosen to care for them. I can see no other answer for all of their energy, for all of their compassion, than the fact that they are regular Christians letting a supernatural God work through them. Their willingness to cut away their own desires and to sacrifice who they are is what makes it possible to let God shine through them onto others.

Philippians 2 has a beautiful note about responding to God. Check it out:

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life

In responding to life's situations like God would will us to, we open up our hearts to have him work through us. Again in chapter 2 it is written:

Now that I'm separated from you, keep it up. Better yet, redouble your efforts. Be energetic in your life of salvation, reverent and sensitive before God. That energy is God's energy, an energy deep within you, God himself willing and working at what will give him the most pleasure.

What I'm trying to say is that if you accepts Gods will for your life, and respond to situations accordingly He will work in your life and you will prevail despite of the difficulties. You will be a regular person with a supernatural God working through you. You will be blessed by situations that at first appear to be cursed, and given grace though it seems undeserved. Where my families endurance and patience come from, I see no other possibility but God. Where they find joy and peace I can see no other answer than God. In responding to taking on the attitude of a servant and lifting others above our own needs, I have seen my family grow in who God had created us, and it has been a beautiful and exciting adventure.

Every so often I run into some of my mothers friends, or my own, who tell me they ask God frequently "God, won't you leave the Martinez family alone? Haven't they had enough?" I've yet to respond how I feel in my heart, and instead just smile and shrug my shoulders. Maybe the next time I can respond with what I'm learning, or at least ask them "why? so we can be robbed of our blessings?" To have the chance to have God teach me something is what I honestly long for, if I receive nothing but good things will I still long for God's peace like I do now? I do not think I would ask God what he is trying to teach me, if all of my days were spent with no difficulties. I do not think that God gives wisdom without letting you experience a little life. Being hard pressed in life is an opportunity to grow, and learn from God. The sweetest smell from a flower must come after its been crushed, going through trials are difficult and have strained us as a family, but we aren't ready for God to stop teaching us yet.

Blind Spots

I would just like to say that I love watching trendy hipsters. I love everything about them. I gotta glean fashionable ideas somewhere, and weather its a do or a don't i'm learning I gotta love them.

That being said, I went to the hipster mega church explosion that is the Well last night. I had to work Sunday and just wanted to be fed somewhere. I normally don't like going there but last night was an exception. I've gone in the past to see what the big deal is about the new building, and the Pastor acts like a comedian and packs his sermons full of jokes about television that I don't understand, and unlike my own pastor his sermons have nothing to do with the greek translations or what was happening in Ephesus, and you can get the point. It's just a candid over coffee talk about God, which when told in relation to Jersey shore I just don't understand.

Last night was different though, last night a few main points just simply melted my face off.

The concept was simple, bad people corrupt good moral. His delivery was simple, don't hang out with knuckle heads, i.e. bad people.

That's it, that's what I learned. I sat there taking notes in my journal about how foolish I've been in many choices of my life, feeling really discouraged about the knuckleheads I've given so much value to. I felt like the absolute worst Christian in the world and I kept asking myself, who are you fooling, you're such a joke.

Thankfully I heard him through my writing, his next few lines were so, "You want to know if you're okay?"
Yes. Please, I'm freaking out.
"You'll know if you're okay when you're taking notes and realizing you're problems, and then turning to your friends and asking them if they see this problem in you, and whether they do or don't, asking them to pray for you."

He went on to talk about remembering 'old school theology' and responding to God appropriately, and living appropriately. He defined old school theology not as 'a John Piper idea but a Moses idea'. John Piper is an author who writes great pieces on God, and someone who I am currently reading and using to feel okay about my life choices. The fact that I should be looking to the original piece of literature, the Bible, to form my theology is an issue that I didn't' expect to be addressed that night.

After the sermon I promptly called my friends, who said they weren't busy and were looking for something to do because the cafe they were at closes soon. Upon my arrival they told me how they kept talking about what they would do at 8 because thats when the cafe closed and when I arrived, thankfully they were wrong in the cafes closing hour and we were able to sit and talk with each other and I could receive prayer for things that I've come to realize I have issues with.

I confessed to them my feelings toward the hipster mega church as well, and my good friend Carrie pointed out that the sermon wasn't there to condemn me as it was to point out my blind spots. That sometimes you can't see right away where issues of sin are sneaking in, and you need someone to come and show you them, no matter how simple the idea may be, no matter how basic the delivery or the lack of fancy greek definitions. Everyone has blind spots, and thankfully there are people who know exactly how to address them and get our attention at seeing them, no matter their delivery of the gospel.

Counting your gains against your losses

Tonight at the Rock's college group we had Senior appreciation night, where all of the seniors shared their bits of wisdom and insight that they've gained through their university experience.
I was speaking afterward with some girls, and one of our seniors brought up this concept of counting gains against losses. I've definitley looked at the pros and cons of a situation, but not very often do I look back and count my gains against my loses and base my future decisions accordingly. Of course I've made choices based on things that have happened to me, but to honestly look back and recount every aspect and try to move forward from there is to encompass much more than just a slight glance back. I'm talking about fully looking at every aspect of your life, and seeing where you gained things, and where things just fell apart, regardless of whose fault it was.

To look at every aspect meaning not just my schools scheduling choices, or how many units to carry. Which kinda has to do with how my grades are, which plays into how often do I hang out with people. My social life, who did I gain and who did I lose and how has it effected me. How is my family life, what have I gained and what have I lost. How is my walk with God, and how has it changed and what have I gained, and what have I lost. I got especially sad thinking about the friend part, because its never a good feeling to loose touch with friends. But a positive note was pointed out, that the friends that remained, were friends who continually built her up in Christ, and encouraged her so.

In my own life I can tell who has always been encouraging and who has loved me, and who has built me up and encouraged me. And then I can tell people who like me for other reasons that I feel like are a loss.

I really appreciated her invitation to count gains and losses against each other, and to look back and reflect. My time spent in the College group at the Rock has been full of so much growth! I've been a person who was sad all the time, to a person in a small group that changed my life, to that small group moving leaders and turning into a small church practically, to eventually being a small group leader myself.

The changes that I have made in my own life, and the gains I've taken on have been such a blessing. While at times over whelming, and showing me that there are still many areas of my life to work over I'm realizing that I'm shaping up to be something after all. It's most exciting to see, and it has been so exciting to be used to share what I've learned.

so far:
gains > losses

Hallelujah

Isn't that neat? We can sing "Hallelujah, he is coming!"

The idea of Jesus coming is something that we should rejoice in, not something to be in fear of. When you see Jesus coming it shouldn't feel the same way as a teacher walking down an isle passing out pop quizzes. Or judgmental christians who give questioning eyes on the halter top you wear to church.

The last few weeks at church I have some how ended up sitting next to the same couple. Their new to our college group, and apparently can't stand to be more than a foot away from each other at all times. The first time I sat next to them I couldnt' stop turning to watch them grope each other, or rub, or kiss, or suggestively wink. I mean, we were in church.

As easily as I played the church lady though, I could have joked, slyly asked 'how could they ever handle a long distance relationship?'. Avoiding the disapproving glances and opting for anything friendlier.

Hallelujah God doesn't send us disapproving glances at every wrong thing we do. I imagine it to be more of a confused look. A well-isn't-that-different-can-you-stop-now-please type look, possibly. Not unlike the confused look of a dog.

How easy it is for me to scrunch and glare at them. When instead I could just accept it, and pray for them to see how groping each other in church isn't exactly helping to focus attention to God. A confused yet patient look. Because in my selfish heart, I hope that Jesus might not glare at me; but stare without looking away, confused, waiting for me to stop.

People, and my love/hate relationship for them

I try to be spiritual but it's very hard. I've always read how Jesus was, and when you get to the core of the matter he loved people. You know that kid at school, who is just so annoying. Jesus loved them. Jessica Grace does not.


If you are trying to change how you are on the outside, like I am, you better look in. It's like that whole what you put in, comes out. One way or the other. Anyways, I decided I need to love people. And it's been very hard. All I have learned is that I am very hateful. I really look out for myself only. Just look at what I've written so far almost ten I's. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

Can you love others, and still be self centered? These anarchist kids started talking to me after the decision to honestly love others was made. Let me tell you, I wanted to be a crazy person on them. I was ready to punch them in the face. I got over it. I realized these were people, and people can change. Therefore these angry anarchist kids are just normal growing humans who will one day look back and realize that yelling at innocent truth seekers is not the way.

I use to yell at people a lot. Then I realized yelling does nothing but push people away. Try a little kindness, try love. Everyone says it, posters say it. T-shirts. slogans. songs. It's a lot harder than it sounds.

Right now, I'm working on loving people.

Ballet is for skinny chicks, not me

Yes, I have decided that ballet is for skinny chicks not me. But I want to do it, so i'm still going to do it.

Does that mean working out more? yes.
Does that mean eating less? well I haven't decided yet.

Of course the correct answer would be to eat healthy, and foods that are positive, and not so much carbs. Which in my case is every meal. Perhaps I will stop eating carbs, and eat more things like green apples. or celery. I was told that if you eat things like green apples it will take more energy to eat them than they are worth in calories or what not. So i'll probably eat two a day, that way i'll not only be skinny but invisible as well in two weeks or so.

So ballet really hurts, and is painfull. My legs feel like I weigh 400 pounds, my butt hurts, my thighs hurt, my legs look fat in tights.
BUT I will show up everyday, and work on things, and try to feel more comfortable in my own skin. So I won't give into eating disorders, as much as I dearly want to.
If ballet's going to give me this much hell, i'm giving it hell back.
Although ballet probably doesn't realize this that much.


I need to register for school, I would like to go to san diego. Too bad i'm poor.

i know someone who knows someone

I'd like to say that maybe this chapter marks the start of no more broken hearts, but that shit would be a lie.



I like a boy who likes someone, who most likely is not me.



I'm starting to live, i'm trying to work, i'm starting to learn, and living to fail.
Damn, that was too sad for me, retract that.

It's summer time to party and live some.

Hit me like you did the first time.

I think that growing up everyone has a type of dream they'd like to see fulfilled. I had two. To go to space camp. And to be really good at something without trying very hard, or at all really.

If you don't know this about me, i've never been to space camp. I went to a circus camp once, but never space camp. But, in sixth grade I was in band. And I thought that might be my chance. Seeing as it didn't work out too well for me and dance or softball. I was handed a clarinet, and I couldn't even get a sound out of it. So I was a little disappointed. I tried a flute, and I couldn't even make a noise out of that and apparently that is something really easy. After that my band teacher got a little sorry for me and a lot of kids made fun of me and called me flute girl. Then he said, well try this not a lot of people can play it but you might as well give it a try. And I did, and I could play it right away. Which was pretty unusual according to my band teacher.
Well, I am guessing you can tell what happened next. I grew up never practicing but always making it into cool things like the cities youth orchestra. Did some more growing old less growing up and getting a scholarship for music at college. Never knowing how to practice but more of how to play. Which I am unfortunately having to learn and work on here at school, learning how to practice and how to move my fingers faster.

I guess if we look hard enough at our lives we can see where our dreams have come true. Which is sad and joyous at the same time. But now I will have a new dream. Even if it is simple, that alright. It would only mean i've achieved more dreams in my life. That might be naive and simple, but I think that's alright. I make up for it in other places.

I have very few regrets. But I am not going to lie, I do have them. Practicing and learning the trait of my instrument more is definitely high on that list. I think the one that breaks my heart the most though is thinking of a boy back home I never dated, but had liked. I saw my problem was that I didn't even try. I guess if you never try, you'll never know right. But then, what if you try and you fail. Or try and succeed. Sometimes, it feels good to smile. Others, it feels good to burn.
It can feel like a movie star.
I think I should be sad now, but I have so many things to be glad about I just don't see any room for it right now.

drafted

The other day I was talking on the phone to my boyfriend. I was apologizing for, things. We talked for a long time. At one point in the talk, it got to the point where I said I had a hard time finding faith in God. It's hard to go on sometimes, it really is.
He then gave me a speech about faith.

If you can ever remember sitting in a pew as a child, and tearing apart an offering envelope to draw on, or going to bible studies with your parents, or playing hide n go seek during christmas rehearsals, and such, you'll get this next part. It seems like every other speech, or sermon, you'll get in life is about having faith. How some one had a hard time, and struggled believing God was there, but then he showed up through a miracle or something. There is always a tunnel involved it seems, and there was always a light. You either chose something bad, or something good, and they make it seem like everything weighs on this choice. I am always hoping Trevac will show up at the time my choice roles around.
He never does.

My boyfriend went on to give me one of those speeches, because he loves me and he wants me to be happy. At that point I became very upset because I was sure he was trying to 'convert' me, and he wasn't. I would make a great converted christian though. I know everything to say to make someone's testimony even better. I'd sit and wait, and when the time came i'd cry. and then I would tell them how their story changed my life in a revolutionary way and I would quite drinking and drugs, and tell my pimp I couldn't work for him any more and everything would be smiles and rainbows.
But i've been a christian since I was three.

iron

We are creatures of pattern, of habbit, of repetition. I was thinking this earlier while getting ready to bathe. I brush my hair, I find my flip-flops, I shampoo, condition, try not to let my bar of soap hit the ground while looking for my luffa, and so on. Even in the simplest of things.
It made me wonder what kind of patterns Jesus had. Or even God. Like when He was making the animals. Did he start with the color, or stripes, maybe the hoof or paw. I guess he could have just made them, but I find a kind of comfort in the pattern idea.

I was watching my friends talk about some hot subject right now. Gay rights, abortion, whatever. I don't even have to throw out positions, you know what they are. I stuck my thoughts in like everyone else, seeming like a better or worse person for saying them. Later on while I was thinking about pattrns, and how or who Jesus is. I wondered where He would stand. I was talking to some friends and my boyfriend about it, about Jesus and whether he made laws and tried to get people to believe them, or if he would just love people.
If you've noticed in the Bible the authors talk a lot about how he mainly talked in parables. I know the old testament proclaims we will know our messiah by his talking in parables. So, maybe Jesus would tell potentially pregnant or pregnant women parables.
Jesus was also direct though, like the time in the temple, where he flipped the tables and talked about not desecrating his fathers house. I don't think there were any parables there. Or in Mathew or like Mark where he is asked what the most important law, of all those given. He says it is to love the Lord thy God above all else. So he is direct.
Maybe he would give some direct parable, maybe he would tell us what to do, maybe he wouldn't. But I know as iron sharpens iron so a man should sharpen his brother in Christ, and sadly most conversation about that subject aren't started for growing or learning but for the sake of proving what we learned in our sunday school or saw on a video or read on some web site. Or maybe that's just how I have caught myself starting them, maybe it's my own human error. Maybe it's my a humanly flaw.

It's deffinitly a negitive pattren I have picked up. I think there is something in listening that is key to wisdom. Perhaps instead of mouthing off whatever I feel like I know that others don't, I will listen and think. Then open my mouth. Then say something. I know I have often knicked others instead of sharpening them.

Here's to improving our character, and trying to be upright again...

Jake

I hadn't spent anytime in the bible for about a month or more. The last time I was on my knees was three weeks ago and I didn't want to go back in fear of God answering my prayers again. Last time I asked him to shake me up, turn my world around, put me back on the path for him. the lesosn learned was to be careful what you pray for, along with other things.
I had not helped anyone out. I hadn't given to the needy. The lost had walked by me and I have not tried to help them in the least. I had been careless with my faith, with my walk with christ and it showed in my life.

I was stressed out. I was short tempered, and best of all my life was in ruins. Yes my life was in ruins, and yes I am only in college. Yes that is a collge that costs too much, and yes even now I am typing on my fancy computer in a coffee shop.

That was when I remembered that I sighned up for the bread of life. This ministry project that goes down town to help out the homeless. Feed them, talk to them, clothe them. I had just finished band and decided to go. So I went, by myself to help the homeless.
I don't know if I helped very much, I kinda just stood against a wall. When I wasn't standing next to a wall I was talking to people. I didn't serve them food. I didn't help them pick out clothes. I talked to them. I don't know if I acomplished anything with anyone that day, or if I made anyones day better but I went. I met two homeless men. well actually I met about seven. we talked about baseball, we talked about music. we talked about how a lady there looked a lot like she could be hillary clintons daughter. We talked about school. Kids, being one and having them. But I spent the most time talking to these two men. they were old, they had kids. Jake, he had daughters who went on to be very succesful. All three of his daughters graduated from college with honors and are now married to very successful men. I don't know why he is homeless. I didn't ask.

I don't know why they were there, some of them. Some of them, some of them really didnt look homeless. Just poor. they were just there to eat dinner because they probably couldnt afford to have dinner at home. I met a guy there that didn't look to bad. To homeless I mean. excuse me as my inner ignorance is caught. He didn't look like he had been living on the street very long, and he hadn't. He had just gotten out of jail. He didn't say what he went there for and I didn't ask. His kids wont talk to him. He has no connections socially and has no where to go and no one will hire a guy right out of jail. I guess when you think your life is in ruins something always has to happen to show you it could be worse.

Nothing amazing happened when I was there really. there were no mircales. No one came to christ in a dramatic way. we didn't even talk about him. But we did talk about ourselves.

I was leaning against this wall, and I never lean against walls and keep to myself. I can normally talk to stranges. But I just felt pinned to that wall. How do you talk about the new season of lost to someone who doesnt even have a tv? I leaned against that spot. I realized I hadn't eaten since lunch at around noon. It was now 8:30. I was terribly hungry. I guess they were too though.

We talked about being homeless on the way back to school. A girl asked our driver, a boy only a year older than me who had just spent the week living on the streets with the homeless as a plan to get to know them better. She asked, do you think if they could just walk out of it they would? He replied yes. But it is so hard to start over again most of them stay where they are.


I don't think I have reached that point of no return yet. And for that I guess I will continue to press on. With the minor troubles and tragedys that occur. If you could even call them that.

lil john and the e side crew

I was on my way to the beach this weekend with some new friends at college. We were going to play some football. I was sitting in the back of this guy's subaru, reminded of how I had a friend with one and the first time he took me in it we went 120 down West from Herndon. Those in the no know what I am talking about. I dreaded the game and busied myself carousing his cd booklet. Something very old fashioned and still lovely to me.
We talked about music, and what artist we like. I said yes, I do like rap music. I think it is very neat how the beats and fast words can sound so nice. He asked me what type of rap music I listent to, maintstream or underground. I said whatever I can get. I also said my favorite rap artist was little john. i think he is doing somethign unique in rap music, and I like his style. I am not going to lie.

He said he liked rap music too. He then said something rather convicting to me. He said he did like rap music. but he threw away all his music because it was degrading, and trying to grow in the spirit is impossible when listening to that type of stuff. he said it just kinda brings his spirit down, so he stays off of it.

he stays off of it. like it was a drug.
I felt kinda like I have been cheating myself of something. that i was blocking off by listening to degrading music. i started to argue the fact in my mind, and couldnt help but think my spirit does better when I am filled with holyer things than lil john and the east side crew.


Sometimes, what we do fills us up I guess. Our music, our words, our actions...But we may just be so used to it that it doesnt 'effect' us anymore. But maybe it does, maybe inadverntently it does I mean. Because the things we could do instead might be just a little more beneficial to us. So when we have the chance to be in Gods presence, or to live a Godly life style, why do we go astray?


So I will still listen to lil john still with the girls in the car on the way to the dance club. They probably won't be on my top 25 playlist anymore though. I know I will still pass up those God moments that are waiting for me even now. But at least maybe now I can be a little more in tune to finding God this month. this week. or at least tomorrow.